Be considerate of your hostess. "Knowing if a guest will attend is just as important as knowing if a guest will not attend," Thompson says, "because the hostess needs a head count for food, drinks, seating, and entertainment. Also, you shouldn't show up with extra guests. If the invitation is addressed to Robin Thompson and Guest, then, yes, you may bring a guest, but if the invitation is addressed only to Robin Thompson, then you should not invite a guest. Did you know, the response or R.S.V.P. rate for wedding invitations is 25% to 50% tops? Not responding is very inconsiderate and rude. An R.S.V.P. should be responded to the day you receive it if possible, and within five to seven days at the very latest."
In Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition, Peggy Post, who is the great-granddaughter-in-law of the famous Emily Post, agrees that you must respond "promptly" if "an invitation includes a request for a reply." A request for a reply could be "R.S.V.P.," or it could be "Please reply," or it could be "The favor of a reply is requested," or any similar notation on an invitation. However, if the invitation says "Regrets only," then the recipient only has to reply if he or she is not planning to attend.
Post gives four guidelines for responding to invitations. The first is that you should "respond in a timely fashion." A timely fashion would be within a few days if you are responding to a written invitation, unless the invitation specifically says to reply by a certain date. If you receive an invitation on the phone or face-to-face, you may accept or decline the invitation on the spot, but "it's acceptable to delay your response until you've checked your schedule or cleared the day with anyone else included in the invitation." Post says, "Just tell the person that you will call as soon as possible, then follow up within a day or two."
Post's second guideline is to "reply in the manner indicated on the invitation." If the hostess wants you to e-mail your reply, she will include an e-mail address as part of the R.S.V.P. Same thing with a phone number, if she wants you to call. If there is a reply card included, then use that. But if no special information is included with the R.S.V.P., then you should send a handwritten note.
Post's third guideline is to "keep replies brief." Just get to the point. Post says you are not obligated to make any excuses when you decline an invitation, and that if you do want to explain, you don't need to go into any detail.
Post's fourth guideline is to "reply even if you have a potential conflict." If you think that you may not be able to make it, but you aren't sure yet and you need more time, you can simply explain the situation to the hostess if it's an informal event, asking her if it's okay if you can give a definite answer a little bit later. For a formal event like a wedding, though, where asking for more time might create problems for the hostess, it's probably better to just decline.
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